Have you ever felt like you’re always putting others ahead of yourself, even when it drains you? Do you sometimes wonder if you're truly worthy of love and respect? Or maybe you’ve found yourself questioning your value, even in moments of success? If so, you’re definitely not alone.
Health research shows that 85% of Americans list mental health as one of their top health concerns, and over 30% of U.S. adults report symptoms of anxiety and depression. Low self-esteem affects about 33% of people at some point in their lives. Furthermore, 79% of young women report dissatisfaction with their appearance.
Unnecessary self-criticism and lack of self-love can lead to emotional burnout or even increase anxiety and depression. In this article, you'll discover 7 tips to help you overcome these insecurities, from learning to set boundaries to practicing self-compassion.
What is self-love?
First, let us understand what self-love means, as trusted experts define. Megan Logan, the author of Self-Love Workbook for Women, defines it as “the ability to give yourself the care you need, emotionally and physically, without feeling guilty.”
In his book 'Good Vibes, Good Life,' Vex King explains that self-love is about “creating an environment where you can thrive by respecting your needs and setting healthy boundaries.” Neurosurgeon Don Miguel Ruiz adds that self-love is “to accept yourself just the way you are, with all of your flaws and imperfections” in his book The Mastery of Love.
Thus, self-love means taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being while accepting who you are, including your imperfections. It is an ongoing commitment to meeting your needs, setting healthy boundaries, and even practicing self-forgiveness.
Now, let us address three misconceptions that often prevent people from fully embracing it.
Three common misconceptions about self-love
Firstly, the lack of self-love can harm us and our relationships, and its meaning is often misunderstood.
“Self-love is selfish” is one of the common myths. In reality, self-love is about taking care of yourself so you can better support others, as Megan Logan explains in her book.
Another harmful belief is that self-love means “always feeling happy” or confident. However, Vex King clarifies that true self-love involves accepting all your emotions, not just the positive ones.
Finally, people tend to think self-love means having no boundaries or achieving perfection. In contrast, Don Miguel Ruiz emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
Now that we've recognized the basic misconceptions let us dive deeper and explore 7 tips to help you develop lasting self-love habits.
Seven practical steps to learn self-love
Now that we’ve defined self-love and considered its most popular misconceptions let us explore practical steps you can take to start learning how to love yourself. You will learn how to take care of yourself better, understand how to build self-acceptance and self-respect, and even learn simple techniques for removing negative thoughts. These step-by-step tips are backed by research and insights and can change your life for the better.
1. Embrace self-compassion
As mentioned earlier, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend. According to self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, practicing self-compassion involves three key components: self-kindness, recognizing our shared humanity (understanding that you’re not alone in your struggles), and mindfulness (being aware of your emotions without judgment).
When you make a mistake or feel down, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” and then offer yourself the same support.
2. Mindfulness practices for self-love
Mindfulness is a powerful tool for cultivating self-love. Consider the RAIN technique, for example. Introduced by psychologist Tara Brach in 2013, it stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. RAIN helps process difficult emotions with self-compassion. Dr. Brach used this technique to manage her own anxiety before a public talk, allowing her to stay calm and present.
Loving-kindness meditation, in particular, involves silently repeating phrases of goodwill, such as “May I be happy,” “May I be healthy,” and “May I be safe.” This simple practice can help foster positive feelings towards yourself.
3. Building positive self-talk and affirmations
Negative self-talk is one of the biggest barriers to self-love. We often tell ourselves things we’d never say to others, like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed.” Replacing negative thinking with positive affirmations can help.
For example, you can start with simple, empowering affirmations like, “I am worthy of love and happiness” or “I am enough just as I am.” The more you practice, the more these affirmations will become a natural part of your mindset.
4. Developing healthy habits
Building healthy habits is crucial for self-love as a permanent quality. In 'Self-Love Workbook for Women,' Megan Logan emphasizes the importance of creating habits that nurture your mental and physical well-being. Whether setting aside time for self-care, eating nutritious food, or moving your body regularly, these small actions can have a big impact.
A key strategy for habit formation is to start small. Focus on one or two habits at a time, and celebrate your progress along the way.
5. Practicing forgiveness and letting go
Holding onto guilt, shame, or past mistakes can prevent us from fully loving ourselves. Practicing self-forgiveness is essential to letting go of these negative feelings. In 'The Mastery of Love,' Don Miguel Ruiz teaches that forgiveness is not about tolerating bad behavior but about freeing yourself from the emotional weight of resentment and self-judgment.
One practical way to practice forgiveness is to write a letter to yourself or someone else. Expressing your feelings and the need to hold onto the pain.
6. Setting boundaries and saying no
Setting boundaries is a key aspect of self-love. By saying “no” to things that drain your energy or make you feel uncomfortable, you create space for activities and people that bring positivity into your life. Vex King’s 'Good Vibes, Good Life' emphasizes the importance of protecting your energy and surrounding yourself with uplifting influences.
If you struggle with setting boundaries, start by practicing small “no’s” and gradually building your confidence in prioritizing your own needs.
Question: How does “setting boundaries” work with “leaving the comfort zone”?
It is worth noting that many coaches encourage you to “leave your comfort zone,” and you might wonder how that fits with the advice to “say ‘no’ to things that make you feel uncomfortable,” as mentioned above.
The key difference is distinguishing between discomfort that drains you and discomfort that promotes growth. Avoiding situations that harm your energy or well-being is an act of self-care while embracing challenges that push you toward your goals is essential for personal development.
So, setting boundaries to protect your mental and emotional health works well with stepping outside your comfort zone when it involves taking on opportunities that foster positive change.
7. Gratitude practices and celebrating small wins
Don’t forget to celebrate each of your small wins. Gratitude is an important practice for building self-love. By focusing on the things you’re thankful for, you set your mindset toward positivity and appreciation.
What does “practicing gratitude” mean practically? Try keeping a gratitude journal where you write down three things you’re grateful for each day.
Finally, don’t forget to celebrate your small wins. Recognizing your progress, no matter how small, is a great way to practice self-love and build self-confidence.
How does it work in life?
Building on these practical steps, let’s see how self-love works in life, as demonstrated by Oprah Winfrey, who exemplifies self-care and compassion for others. She faced a rough childhood filled with poverty and abuse, which taught her a lot about resilience.
Oprah Winfrey’s struggles pushed her to seek therapy and practice self-care. Interestingly, by dealing with her own issues and growing in self-love, she was able to love others. Focusing on self-care has shaped her life and helped her empower millions.
Another example of self-love is the famous Ukrainian philosopher and author of 'The Garden of Divine Songs,' Hryhoriy Skovoroda. He emphasized that like a garden needs care to grow, our souls need care. Skovoroda inspires us to reflect on who we are, find our true passions (what we are naturally good at), and practice self-love for our wellness. He lived in the 18th century, but his ideas still inspire us to nurture our inner selves—a key to happiness.
Look how Megan Logan, author of 'Self-Love Workbook for Women,' describes herself in “questions and answers”:
“A paradox! As an introvert, I tend to need lots of alone time to recharge. I am analytical and enjoy pondering deep philosophical ideas. Yet, I delight in spontaneity, humor, and have a child-like wonder of the world. Others describe me as empathic, easy to talk to, and ‘real’. I have a unique ability to transform negative events into healing and growth. My love for music and family, animals, being in nature, and the simpler things in life has helped me to find balance and allowed me to practice 20+ years as a therapist.”— Megan Logan
How reading helps cultivate self-love
Aside from "music, family, and animals," as Megan Logan mentions, let us pay attention to reading as one of the greatest sources for nurturing self-love.
Reading can become a major tool for better understanding self-love and cultivating it in your life. Consider the following three books that can help you see yourself in new ways, gain insights from trusted experts, and develop your own strategies for self-care:
Megan Logan’s 'Self-Love Workbook for Women' is a practical guide with exercises and prompts designed to help you build self-compassion, develop self-awareness, and create lasting habits of self-love.
2 In 'Good Vibes, Good Life,' Vex King shares personal stories and advice on cultivating positivity, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care. His approach focuses on raising your vibration, which in turn helps you feel better about yourself and attract positive experiences.
3 The Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz delves into the emotional wounds we carry from past relationships and experiences. By understanding and healing these wounds, you can release self-limiting beliefs and learn to love yourself fully.
Addressing common challenges in self-love
Many people struggle with self-love due to past trauma, negative self-talk, or constant comparison to others. Here’s how you can overcome some of the most common obstacles:
Comparing yourself to others. Social media and societal expectations can make it hard to avoid comparison. The key is to focus on your unique journey and celebrate your progress rather than compare it to someone else’s highlight reel.
Feeling unworthy. If you constantly feel unworthy of love or success, it’s essential to challenge these beliefs with positive affirmations and mindfulness practices. Remember, self-worth is not tied to external achievements but comes from within.
Struggling to forgive yourself. If you’re holding onto guilt or shame from the past, practicing self-forgiveness is important. Use the methods mentioned earlier, such as journaling or meditation, to release these negative emotions.
Three simple steps
Starting your self-love journey is easier than you think. Here are three steps you can take immediately:
Daily affirmations. Choose one or two affirmations and repeat them every morning.
Journaling prompts. Reflect on what you’re grateful for, what you love about yourself, and what small victories you’ve achieved.
Guided meditation. Set aside time for a loving-kindness meditation or mindfulness practice.
Start your path to self-love now with Headway
If you're juggling a busy life, finding time for self-love can be tough. Headway app can help by giving you quick insights from self-care books in just a few minutes. These brief summaries cover essential tips like setting boundaries and practicing self-compassion, making it easier to learn and grow even on a tight schedule. This way, you can continue your journey of self-love without feeling overwhelmed by time constraints.
For further guidance, check out the summaries of 'Self-Love Workbook for Women,' 'Good Vibes, Good Life,' and 'The Mastery of Love' on Headway, and dive deeper into the wisdom these books offer.
For more insights and resources, explore our self-love and mental health topics at Headway's self-love library and mental health. Start your journey to self-love today!
